From Ripple News
“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world.” Wayne Dyer
By Suzie Itzstein
Stop focusing on events – you can't control them. Focus on the meaning you give them, which you can control. The interpretations or the stories you make up about what is happening are what makes you happy or sad; resentful and angry or compassionate and caring and loving.
It goes something like –
I notice or observe; and then
I imagine/make up/interpret; and then
I feel; and then
What I do/how I act/behave is......
So get curious about and ask yourself what are the interpretations you are making that are resulting in your feeling angry, resentful, ashamed, guilty?
Let me give you an example. One of my old patterns is to schedule and take on too much to do and not enough time. So one way I deal with my stress and vulnerability around this is to interpret/tell myself a story that my partner has to do as much as I do and, because he doesn't, then I get resentful and angry. When people are resentful they try to regulate themselves by regulating or controlling their environment – and it is usually in unloving ways. How many times have you acted in 'a crazy way' by doing unloving and disrespectful things to make your partner/or the other be more loving or caring? My hand is up. I can get 'lecturery' and controlling, insisting my way is the right way. In fact pretty well all the times we are in conflict we think, “I'm right and they are wrong. My way is the way it goes.”
So if you are resentful about something or someone ask yourself, 'What is the meaning that I am giving to what they are doing?' Resentment happens when we focus on the way we think the world should be -rather than how it is. Suffering, stress, pain, misery … is about not living in the world the way it is – and people keep repeating their patterns because they think it should be working the way they think, rather than paying attention to what is actually happening!
Are you willing to experiment with being responsible for the condition of all of your relationships no matter the circumstances or the history? Imagine your purpose is to BE LOVE in any situation – needs a lot of courage and perseverance huh? Especially when we are talking about those people that you wouldn't want to be seated next to at a dinner party or share the same office with, or …
My invitation is for you to recharge your soul by working on being the best lover, partner, friend, parent that you can be. It is awesome that the very person (or behaviour) that bugs us the most has the potential to spiritually grow us the most. Consider this – that awakening is the meaning for all your relationships. What if you lived your life truly embracing the notion that conflict is the gateway to the deepest knowledge about yourself, and that embedded within it is an opportunity to heal old wounds and hurts and growth for both people?
So what does it mean to take responsibility for your feelings? It means that when you are feeling badly, you go inside and explore what YOU are telling yourself or doing that is causing you to feel badly and then you act with respect and care for yourself and the other. It is a bit like being on a treasure hunt. You uncover the treasure of your false, limiting beliefs which has led to your negative behaviours and then you replace them with behaviours that create peace and happiness.
We can also retrain our brains to be compassionate rather than resentful. It is not rocket science – if you want to feel lovable, you have to be loving. Compassion is, “I care about what you feel and how can I help you feel better.” Compassion isn't giving what you want to give. It is giving what the other wants to receive and doing what works for them. Compassion does not mean condoning bad behaviour – it is feeling compassion for the core hurt that made them do the behaviour. And being compassionate is one of the most selfish things that you can do. Why? Because when you are truly compassionate it feels gooooood. Mother Theresa called herself a compassionate junkie.
Don't trust your feelings when resentful or angry. They impair your ability. As Dr Steven Stosny says, you are:
Unable to see other perspectives or other people at all, apart from your reaction to them
Most likely exaggerating and oversimplifying the problem
Likely to violate your deepest values or act against your long term best interests
Less able to control impulses and tolerate frustration
Probably more self-righteous than right.
I turned 60 this year and have been teaching in the areas of personal and relational growth for the last 35 years, and one of the most important learnings in my life is to say that criticism, resentment and anger don't work. There is no place for them in a healthy body. Do whatever it takes to change and heal your resentment and anger. Every cell in your body, and even your DNA, reacts to your every thought and feeling. It is not good for you.
We think being resentful and angry will motivate the other to do what we want them to do. Even if they do what you want, there will be a kick back. It doesn't work! Think of anger and resentment like poison or something that is harmful and dangerous to your system. Would you keep putting mercury or lead into your system and keep telling yourself that it's okay? Think of resentment and anger in that way. You are poisoning yourself. Resentment is like taking poison to kill the other person – not logical or sensible and it doesn't work.
Your value as a person depends on how you behave, not on how your partner/the other behaves. Define yourself by your strengths, values, and resilience and your core value, not by the other's behaviour.
Declaration of emotional well-being (good to say aloud):
I am responsible for the thoughts I think and the things that I choose to pay attention to and my actions that follow … It's only a thought!
My emotional well-being is more important to me than everything I resent.
My emotional well-being is more important to me than everyone else's bad behaviour.
My emotional well-being depends on remaining true to my deepest core values.
Learning how to replace resentment and anger with compassion will make a major difference in your life and the lives of those you love. It will make you feel good and amazingly it will improve your health and all areas of your life.
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